A letter to WJC5

My dearest son WJC5,

A few days ago you had your first birthday and the days leading up to this big event, I wasn't myself. Everyone asked me at some point what was the matter and I just kept saying "Oh, I'm fine...I just have a headache!" or "I'm so tired with everything going on at work." - which was not a lie...it just wasn't the whole truth.

The matter was, my baby boy is growing up! A couple months ago, you started taking your first steps and I started crying. I couldn't believe it - it was the cutest thing I had ever seen. And now, you're holding onto furniture and walking around the room... you crawl to the door to look outside... you have opinions and thoughts over what toys and snacks you want... you say "Dada" all the time and "Mama" when you are really upset... you are feeding yourself real food and even using a spoon... you understand the word 'no' and look disappointed if I use it... you want to be held upright, if at all... and not swaddled up in my arms anymore. I'm not ready for this! You are just a baby!!

You're my little baby boy that, just a year ago, was laying in my arms completely helpless and depending on me for everything at every moment! You're becoming so independent and it's just such a horrible mix of emotions!

It's amazing watching you learn something new everyday and grow and explore but at the same time I fear I will loose my little man!! What if you get to the point where you don't need your Mommy anymore? I can't deal with that... you are my life and I can't imagine the day when I can't put you to bed anymore or carry you around on my hip.

I cherish every moment I have with you...time flies! I cherish the sleepless nights patting your back to get you to go back to sleep, the nights I roll over and check the monitor just to make sure you are alright at 3 am, the times you made me cry from sadness and from joy. I cherish the messes you make and how I have to step around all your toys, the times we are silly and I can just laugh with you when I am not even sure what we are laughing about. Your laugh is the most beautiful sound in the world! I cherish the moments when you learn something and your eyes light up. I cherish reading to you... even if it is the same book over and over again, and I cherish our time every night when I put you to bed. Singing, cuddling, and just being us. I know you won't be a baby forever and you won't always want to play with me for hours on end or have me hold you in my arms until you fall asleep. I cherish these moments - each and every one of them and I thank you for giving them all to me.

You have taken my world and turned it upside down... and I wouldn't want it any other way. You have made me into a better person and you bring so much joy to my life. I never imagined that I could love something as much as I love you... and every day, when I think I can't love you anymore, I do.

You are the sunshine of my life. Thank you for making me realize this past year what life is really all about. I never knew until I met you!!

Happy first birthday WJC5. I love you with all my heart.. to the moon and back.

xxoo

Mommy